


my hands are shaking from holding back from you

by bicadyheron



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Cunnilingus, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:34:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27829051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bicadyheron/pseuds/bicadyheron
Summary: “Janis, I... I really can’t ever make up for what I did. What I said about you. What I let other people say about you.” Maybe it’s the small amount of alcohol flowing through her, but Regina seems to be on the verge of tears – and she’s already made this same apology tonight.“Regina. I won’t say it’s okay, because it was shitty, but you don’t need to make up for it. You’ve done the changing you need to do. And maybe there wasn’t another girl at this school willing to be with me because of the fear, but it’s not a big deal. The world is wider than North Shore.” Janis shifts fully onto her side to face Regina, brushing a stray tear from her cheek before she could think better of it. The fairy lights above Regina’s bed are the only thing illuminating them, and yeah, Regina has always been beautiful, but this is different.
Relationships: Regina George/Janis Sarkisian
Comments: 45
Kudos: 71
Collections: 2020 AW Gift Exchange





	1. say the word and i'll be yours (you know i never forgot)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JanisCrow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanisCrow/gifts).



> Hi Friends!
> 
> I've been so lucky to get to know a bunch of amazing writers in the Mean Girls fandom really well over the past few months and I'm really excited to be a part of this wonderful fic gift exchange for the holiday season! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy what's here and what's to come over the next few weeks. 
> 
> Couldn't help myself and made a playlist for this fic because I'm extra. If you want to check it out: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2qWfbS0P73SURBMQtGtuTx?si=IM-Jr0wSQ9qig8-8R0Kkiw 
> 
> Chapter title from Giants - Dermot Kennedy

When she first agreed to go to Regina’s house for the North Shore High School graduation afterparty, Janis did not expect to end up with Regina in her room. It had been crowded and loud downstairs, and Janis took her second drink of the night up to the second-floor bathroom to get just a little bit of air.

Regina slunk into the bathroom not long after that. “I didn’t really mean to follow you, but I just needed to sit.”

The air was thick with awkward tension as Janis watched Regina perch herself on the tub ledge. Sure, they’d apologized to each other, and they hung out in groups together, but it’s not like either of them considered the other a real friend. Janis took a sip of her drink, not missing the fleeting wince across Regina’s face as she shifted her position.

“Your back okay?” It serves to break the silence, and Janis isn’t going to ignore Regina’s pain.

“It’s not as bad as it usually is, but if I hadn’t come to sit down...” Regina looks into her own cup as she trails off. “But that’s not really why I came up here?”

“Is that a question?” Janis laughs, and looks over at Regina.

“No, no, I just... I know we’re both going to be at college together, which is unexpected, to be honest, and we should make up, for real.” She downs the rest of her drink as Janis just stares, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Janis, I miss being your friend. And I’m... not entirely sober but I’m not drunk.”

Janis watches her carefully for a few tense moments before taking a swig of her drink. “I’m not opposed to that. Maybe not-sober but not-drunk is the way to do this.” Regina laughs at that. “You wanted to talk and really make up tonight?”

“I would appreciate it, yeah.”

So, they make their way to Regina’s room, re-locking the door behind them to prevent any horny couples from interrupting the conversation. Janis perches carefully on the bed that Regina is already spread across, finishing her drink before saying anything. Isn’t that why they call alcohol _liquid courage_?

There’s another round of apologies from both of them, rehashing all the shit they did to each other since they stopped really being friends. Despite the party still clearly in full swing below them, the moment is soft and quiet. All too soon, the air is clear and the relative silence between them is comfortable. The conversation is very much over – there’s no use saying the same thing with different words yet again – but Janis doesn’t want to leave, and neither does Regina. They’re lying on the bed, listening to the echoes of the music and their drunk classmates, content to just be there together for the first time in far too long, when Regina breaks the space between them.

“Janis, I... I really can’t ever make up for what I did. What I said about you. What I let other people say about you.” Maybe it’s the small amount of alcohol flowing through her, but Regina seems to be on the verge of tears – and she’s already made this same apology tonight.

“Regina. I won’t say it’s okay, because it _was_ shitty, but you don’t need to make up for it. You’ve done the changing you need to do. And maybe there wasn’t another girl at this school willing to be with me because of the fear, but it’s not a big deal. The world is wider than North Shore.” Janis shifts fully onto her side to face Regina, brushing a stray tear from her cheek before she could think better of it. The fairy lights above Regina’s bed are the only thing illuminating them, and yeah, Regina has always been beautiful, but this is different.

Their silence, while still comfortable, is suddenly charged with something Janis can’t place. Not until Regina opens her mouth again to speak. “There is one girl,” it’s barely a whisper, but Janis hears. “But she was so afraid to be hurt. And she made some really bad decisions and hurt some people really badly instead. She’s... she’s not as afraid anymore, and she’s still really sorry she ever hurt you.”

“Regina?” It’s clear what Regina is trying to say in this moment, Janis knows this is _the_ moment, it’s pretty much all she ever wanted. But there are more words on the tip of her tongue, she can feel them.

“She’s still really scared to be hurt, but maybe... maybe she can be herself in private for just one night, even if she’s still too scared of the world outside of this room.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Regina, but this isn’t the end of the world.” Janis looks directly into her blue eyes for the first real time tonight, and nothing matters more than acceptance in this moment. Nothing could matter more, not even the want for this to mean more than it already doesn’t.

“Can we? Just... just tonight? I-”

She’s cut off by her own anxieties, but Janis remedies the tension. “Yes,” she whispers into the slowly closing space between them, pressing her lips to Regina’s. It’s short and sweet, because pressing Regina is about the worst thing she could do in this moment. Janis watches a flurry of emotions cross Regina’s face after she pulls away, relishing in the fact that Regina’s lips are exactly as soft as she had imagined. That’s probably too much for this moment, it’s just a kiss, it’s just Regina coming into herself, and it doesn’t mean anything.

Then Regina presses back into Janis, kissing her slowly, testing the waters. Janis can taste the gin and tonic Regina just finished, and it’s incentive enough – along with the way Regina’s nails are playing lightly against the nape of her neck – to push just a little further, to deepen the kiss. There’s no ignoring it now, this is _happening_ , and Janis can feel the buzz of the alcohol making the edges of her decisions fuzzy, but she’s never been more sure that something is _right_. And of course, it’s this, something that’s only sustainable in a different universe.

Janis pulls away from the heated kiss to take a few heaving breaths, trying to put her thoughts on pause and focus on _Regina, Regina, Regina_ , who’s under her and running a hand hesitantly along the hem of her crop top while the other is fisted in her hair. It’s easy, then, to give a quick nod of permission and to be shirtless on top of Regina, pressing heavy, open-mouthed kisses to her neck.

Regina says “Janis,” in this breathy voice, and something about it makes Janis feel like she’s the only person in the whole universe who matters in this moment – and Janis knows there’s absolutely no turning back from this. Soon enough, all of their clothes have been scattered around Regina’s room, and thank god the music is loud because so is Regina. It’s almost like heaven to hear her, Janis thinks, nervous but determined head and hands working between her legs to get her _loud, louder, loudest_ and push her over the edge of oblivion. There’s no going back now, not when Janis looks up at Regina, flushed, sweaty, and spent with Janis’s name still on her lips like a prayer. And maybe it is one, because this moment is certainly sacred.

And Janis can finally hear the music for itself again, and she remembers that what just happened was nothing more than a momentary lapse in judgement, a few too many minutes of tipsy loneliness turned into something that went just a little further than intended. They put their clothes back on and piece themselves back together in silence, smiling softly as Janis leaves the room first.

Regina and Janis were nothing more than a moment of weakness, a space in time to want without repercussions, a one-night stand leaving them both reeling. And then they were reeling each other back in – exactly the way each of them wanted, but never expected.

* * *

One glance is all it takes, like always. Janis waits for a painful twenty minutes after Regina leaves the party to follow suit, waving goodbye to Damian, Cady, Aaron, Gretchen, and Karen like it’s normal. It still feels anything but.

She walks down the street, trying to look as unconcerned as possible while anxiously awaiting Regina’s appearance beneath some streetlight. It doesn’t matter that this has been going on since graduation, the sneaking around and waiting anxiously for the follow-through, nothing changes. Janis follows Regina, repetition doing nothing to ease the anxiety that maybe she won’t be waiting this time around.

The winter air bites at her exposed skin, but Janis doesn’t have time to wish she brought gloves and a hat because Regina rounds the corner in front of her house and all the breath leaves her body.

“You waited,” Janis says as she reaches the other girl.

“I always do.”

Even in the dim glow of winter streetlights, Regina’s eyes are a piercing blue. She stares at Janis for an intensely quiet moment before turning and walking away – the unmistakable air of “follow me” tinging her slight glance back.

They’re in Regina’s bedroom, for the sole reason that her house is big enough for nobody to hear them – which is a good thing, because Regina has always been loud, and has the unmistakable talent of drawing Janis’s voice into the farthest corners of her large room. She puts their playlist over the speakers to combat the silence in the times that there were spaces between them. Talking had never been their strong suit, so they adapted – why talk when you know you can _feel_?

Things now are a lot less formal than they were at first, but Janis still has to catch her breath as Regina shucks away her dress and bra. She’s ethereal in these moments, no matter how casual or rushed they could be. Regina lays on the bed in just her lace panties, but it’s not some forced sexy pose, it’s just her, just them, and Janis can’t help but wonder if she’s the only one privy to these authentic moments.

Her admiration isn’t lost on Regina. “Are you just going to stare, Janis? This isn’t a museum. You can touch the art.” It’s teasing, light, and a welcome change of pace. Janis smirks.

“I know, but there’s fun in looking.” And there is. She makes a point to not take her eyes off Regina as she slowly takes off her jacket, shirt, and jeans. “Patience is a virtue, after all.”

The moment of anticipation breaks as Janis joins Regina on the bed, their mouths meeting in a feverish haze that shouldn’t be this comforting. It’s easy to fall into bed with Regina, especially after all this time. She’s figured out why she always tastes like cherries and how to make her fall apart with one hand and a few dirty whispers. It’s not any less special because of that – at least not for Janis. Fucking Regina is a privilege, some gift returned to her after a little too long.

She pulls away from Regina’s mouth, moving to suck on that point just behind her ear that makes her whine.

“Don’t you dare leave a mark,” she warns, but it’s not really effective on Janis’s end. She’s made her point there though, so she kisses her way down to her collarbone. Janis can feel Regina’s hands threading into her hair as she flits a hand over her breasts, just a fraction of the touch she knows Regina wants.

Regina makes an indignant noise that Janis cuts off by locking her mouth over the peak of her breast, hands busy stroking Regina’s sides down to fiddle with the edge of her underwear only to leave it exactly as it was.

She feels Regina tense a bit and catches her arm in its path. This is Janis’s territory right now – she’s in control, and she’ll be the only one touching Regina tonight.

“Did I say you could do that, baby?” Janis sits up to look Regina in the eyes. The blonde shakes her head. “That’s what I thought. Let me do my thing and I _promise_ it’ll make you feel good.”

It’s the ease with which the words roll off her tongue, the sharp inhale Regina takes as she comprehends them, the flush spreading down both of their bodies as they both imagine how this night will end. It’s the rush that Janis still gets as she trails her fingertips down Regina’s legs as she removes her lace panties, the want in those blue eyes as she gracefully slides to the floor, pulls Regina’s hips to the edge of the bed and dips her hand between her legs, the hands pulling ever tighter at her hair.

Janis has barely touched Regina before she’s begging for more, faster, harder – and Janis is used to this, it happens every time, but something about the desire in her voice, how she’s so eager for more of Janis never grows old.

“Janis, please,”

It’s almost a whisper, but Janis hears her. She stops where she had been running her fingers slowly up Regina’s thighs. “Please _what_ , ‘Gina?”

“Please just get to fucking me, for fuck’s sake!” Regina snapped, lightly whacking Janis on the head in retaliation.

“Refreshing,” Janis mutters. “Straight to the point this time.” She wants to draw this out, make Regina _really_ beg, but her desire to please Regina, to be with Regina, to fuck Regina were far stronger. So, she gives in, just this once.

But only a little bit. She slides a single finger up and starts slowly fingering into Regina, just enough to get her whimpering, but nowhere near enough to satisfy her. She’s about to say something but Janis interrupts. “This _is_ what you asked for, baby. You never specified how I should fuck you.”

Any further retorts from Regina are cut off as Janis thumbs over her clit – just enough to provide some pleasure but decidedly too light to bring her anywhere she wanted to be. It’s always at this point that conversation stops, that the room is just music and moaning, and the wet sounds of Janis fucking Regina. But always isn’t forever, Janis knows. More pressure on Regina’s clit for a moment, and she lets out a breathy moan.

“I want to hear you, ‘Gina,” Janis says, looking pointedly up through her lashes at Regina’s flushed face.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Regina says through heaving breaths, hands tangled in Janis’s hair.

“But you don’t want me to stop,” Janis retorts, continuing her slow and teasing pace, looking back up at Regina as if waiting for another challenge.

“Don’t you _dare_ stop,”

It’s an ineffective warning when her voice catches halfway through it and the word “stop” morphs into a moan. Janis smirks up from where she had slid another finger into Regina. “I didn’t quite catch that, babe. What were you saying? I should...” she pulls back suddenly. “stop?”

Regina props herself up with her elbows just to glare at Janis. “I _said,_ don’t you fucking _dare_ stop.”

“So needy,” Janis murmurs before continuing right where she left off. “It’s okay. I like it.”

“Shut up and eat me out.” Regina snipes, eyes widening as Janis looks at her dead on. “Please?”

“You’re lucky I like you, George. Your attitude still needs work, though.” She hooks her arms around Regina’s thighs and lifts them over her shoulders. Janis isn’t about to let Regina just win this one, though. And maybe the slow strokes of her tongue that just _barely_ reach the other girl’s clit are drawn out and petty, but it’s still pleasurably frustrating for both of them.

Janis slides into a faster rhythm quickly enough, relishing in the breathy sounds Regina makes – knowing, and a little selfishly, liking, that she’s the only one to hear them.

After a few more minutes of her current pace, she quickly crooks two fingers into Regina, reaching for the spot she knows will reward her with a full moan – and it does. “Jan, don’t,” she breaks off as Janis closes her lips around her clit to moan loudly. “Don’t stop,”

She hums, pleased, as an indication she heard Regina, before speeding up her pace inside Regina and focusing in on her clit. It’s not long before her ministrations come to a head, Regina’s hands tugging increasingly hard on her hair to pull her face in closer before she falls over the edge. Janis takes note of this and increases the intensity of everything she’s doing, pulling her head away only briefly to clearly say “come for me, baby,” before Regina chokes on a moan as her whole body tenses and comes unraveled again.

It takes a minute for both of them to catch their breath, Janis watching Regina as she comes down from her orgasm, carefully stroking her through it. “Is that what you needed?” she asks, once she’s sure Regina will be able to answer her.

“Yeah, definitely.” Regina smirks as Janis wipes off her face. “You’re a mess, Jan.”

“And you aren’t?” she retorts, chastising herself as she does. It’s the way they always act around each other, the same way they have since Cady got them to make up after junior year, and it comes back as soon as their intimate moment ends. She just had to pop the bubble.

“I can make both of us more of a mess,” Janis hears, and _oh_. It’s not over just yet, they’re still in the pretty pink bubble of Regina’s room, in the afterglow of a hookup.

The concept of Regina reciprocating is a fairly new one, but not entirely foreign to either of them. Janis climbs up to lie on the bed and they make out a little more before moving on – it’s probably a nice break for Regina, and Janis can’t help but hope she relishes the taste of herself on Janis’s tongue.

It’s not much longer before Regina is pulling Janis’s panties down and working her towards the edge. There’s never much dirty talk when things flow this way, but Janis is fine with it – Regina still has her ways, and Janis is moaning within minutes despite not generally being vocal in bed. She’s almost embarrassingly wet as soon as Regina begins, too, but like, she just made Regina George come so it’s not horribly out of place.

She’s on the edge all too soon, and Regina just works her over and through it until Janis is asking her to stop because it’s too much. They take another minute before pulling their clothes back on, and there’s only a quick meeting of their lips before Janis is being shoved out of Regina’s room, out of the house, and back into the cold streets for the walk home.

The cold bites at her skin more now than it did before, mostly because of the sweat quickly cooling against her skin and the knowledge that, as always, she could have said something. Three words always on the tip of her tongue every time she’s being ushered out of Regina’s presence. _What are we?_ It’s dangerous, how close Janis always comes to opening her mouth and saying something. Definitions made things real, made things serious, and Regina and Janis sleeping together – that couldn’t _be_ real. Not in any way that mattered. Not while Regina was involved.

When they first hooked up – after Regina’s graduation afterparty – they were both tired and a little tipsy and decidedly lonely. It was a moment of solace within the chaos of moving on.

It was clearly intended to be a one-time thing, an “I didn’t think making up would include making out but here we are” thing, a “let’s ignore this and be friends because we’re going to college at the same place” thing. Six months later, hooking up at Regina’s house back in Evanston in the dead of winter, it was decidedly _not_ a one-time thing.

Janis tries in vain to come up with a word that’s not _regret_ as a cold gust of wind forces her eyes shut and her hands deeper in her pockets, because how could you regret something that beautiful? _Regret_ means she wishes it never happened, and honestly, it was anything but. _Yearning_ crosses her mind, but Janis quickly shakes that thought away. Wanting Regina in any capacity other than the bedroom is a recipe for disaster, because that would require her having feelings for Janis, which is just on the far side of impossible.

Not to mention what they’d have to explain to their friends – and that was already a minefield as it was. They had to be careful in their interactions, in how Janis can look at Regina, how Regina tilting her head in a certain way could mean three different things, how long she had to wait before following her exit.

It’s exhausting, honestly, the lying and sneaking and knowing that to Regina, this is just a method of stress relief. Janis sighs as she opens the door to her house. Regina was a mystery that just couldn’t be unraveled – and she had to figure out how to untangle herself from the mess of knots they’d become before she lost herself in it.


	2. we're tangled up (like headphones in my pocket)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s waiting with Gretchen and Karen in the lobby of the local hotel chain that hosts the annual New Year’s Eve party. It’s barely nine in the evening and there’s already loud music coming from the event center to their left, and Regina can see that there’s only maybe fifty people in there at the moment. It’ll get packed within the next hour, almost everyone in the area between the ages of sixteen and thirty show up here to let loose a little.
> 
> Gretchen points at the door and grabs Regina by the arm, chattering excitedly about Cady, Aaron, Janis, and Damian walking in through the door. She smiles seeing Cady and Aaron with their fingers interlocked and in clearly coordinating outfits, but it’s hard to control her face when she really looks at Janis, who’s dressed simply in a pair of wine-red slacks and a black and gold striped button-up with the sleeves pushed above her elbows. Ignoring the heat already building in her gut, she waves at the group and they quickly join up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter! I really hope you all enjoy this - if you wanted it to get raunchier or were wondering about a tag that didn't quite fit yet... here you are ;)
> 
> chapter title is from Headphones by Jon Bryant
> 
> [Here's the playlist in an easier to access way, hopefully](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2qWfbS0P73SURBMQtGtuTx?si=B1FYo6A3QWm6nHIOsTbQWQ)

There’s a dual purpose to Regina filling her time back in Evanston with parties and get-togethers: it keeps her out of the house and busy with no time to think about her feelings, and it gives her a large number of perfect opportunities to be with Janis.

It’s a little self-destructive, yeah, but Janis has this way of making her feel like nobody else ever had. Regina wishes she could say it’s entirely the orgasms, but recently, she’s been thinking in a way that she knows will probably end in disaster.

Her heart starts beating too fervently for her own good when she and Janis, along with Damian, Cady, Aaron, Gretchen, and Karen do a holiday gift exchange. Janis gets her a nice leather journal embossed with her name in gold calligraphy – it’s the one she’d pointed out in the window of a local shop the night in August they wandered around town before their hookup. She carefully thanks Janis, tasting the very beginnings of a dangerous word on her tongue. Everyone else’s gifts are nice as well, and arguably just as meaningful, but she can’t quite draw her eyes away from how Janis looks at her softly as she strokes the spine of the journal. In turn, she got Janis a new sketchbook and some fancy art pencils. While still meaningful, it seems a far cry from the personalized remembrance of Janis’s gift in its pink holographic wrapping paper.

Every so often, Damian seems to glance back and forth between her and Janis, which sends a tingle of anxiety down her neck. Regina does her best to shake it off – Janis wouldn’t break a promise like that, and, after all, she’s part of the secret too.

Of course, the party is at Regina’s house. It’s decked out in silver decorations and colorful fairy lights, and it smells like evergreen and cinnamon and sugar cookies. Her friends are laughing and throwing wrapping paper at each other as they fight about the music, and this warmth fills her with nostalgia for all the holiday seasons that could have been like this but weren’t.

So, she casts a wary glance over at Janis, who’s looking back at her expectantly. Regina nods her head slightly towards the stairs, and Janis winks back at her. They both turn away from each other, but Regina has to fight the urge to look back and smile. When she does indeed turn back to Janis (who would pay attention to her field of vision, anyway?), she sees her whispering away with Damian.

Regina watches them for a little bit, trying to gauge the interaction. Janis is shoving Damian playfully away and calling him a nerd – it’s not about her, in all likelihood, but it reminds her that she’s maybe been a little too overt about things lately. Either way, she tries to tear her eyes away from Janis and her low-cut sweater and focus on the story that Karen is telling about her new boss at the cafe she works at.

After Karen’s story is finished, Regina excuses herself to “complete a chore for her mother”, looking to make sure that Janis sees her. She does – Regina knows she always does, but there’s always the anxiety biting at the back of her mind that this time Janis has had enough. Deep brown eyes stare back at her as Regina tears her head away and heads up the stairs. She hovers in the doorway of her bedroom until she hears footsteps coming up the stairs. The heavy sound of Janis coming up the stairs is distinct, but Regina can’t help but duck into her room and act busy just in case it isn’t.

It is Janis, of course. “I told Damian and Cady I was going to the bathroom, so this’ll have to be quick. And quiet. You can do that, right, Gina?”

A shiver runs down her back in anticipation, and she almost forgets to respond. Janis pokes her arm in reminder, and Regina nods quickly. When she pulls her sweater over her head, she takes a deep and careful breath to quell the anxiety that she always feels. It’s not new anymore, she’s not nervous about how she’ll be perceived by Janis. In all likelihood, Regina reminds herself, it’s about how close all their friends are and how fucking _dangerous_ this is. She tosses her shirt to the side and Janis turns the lock on the door before turning back to Regina.

“I thought I made it clear we had to be quick? I...” Janis pauses carefully, almost as if she was about to let something slip. “I enjoy doing this with you, Regina, but we can’t have them getting too suspicious. There’s only so much time I can play off as a difficult shit.”

Regina giggles in spite of herself – because who other than Janis would talk about taking a shit right before fucking her? Janis smiles at her softly, before gesturing pointedly at the bed. Who would Regina be to refuse her?

It’s not entirely unusual, but she does prefer when things aren’t like this, Regina thinks as she drops her jeans and underwear to the floor in one smooth motion before positioning herself with her hips on the end of the bed. Janis wastes no time in dropping to her knees and diving in headfirst, working Regina to her orgasm quickly with just her tongue and two fingers, muttering “Be quiet for me when you come, baby,” just before. It’s dark and hot and sweet and she wishes there weren’t so many curtains they had to hide behind to be together like this. Regina spills over the edge with a quiet whine of Janis’s name, her chest burning with the “I love you” threatening to spill over the edge of her lips just as uncontrollably as her orgasm just washed over her. Janis interrupts her thoughts by getting up. She pulls Regina upright and presses a kiss to her lips – almost a little too domestic and natural to be casual – before dropping a soft “good girl” and leaving the room.

* * *

It's almost two weeks before Regina sees Janis again, and it shouldn’t feel as long as it has. The prospect of seeing her again tonight is like all the weight has been lifted from her shoulders and she can stand freely again – despite their affairs being so secret, it’s freeing.

She’s waiting with Gretchen and Karen in the lobby of the local hotel chain that hosts the annual New Year’s Eve party. It’s barely nine in the evening and there’s already loud music coming from the event center to their left, and Regina can see that there’s only maybe fifty people in there at the moment. It’ll get packed within the next hour, almost everyone in the area between the ages of sixteen and thirty show up here to let loose a little.

Gretchen points at the door and grabs Regina by the arm, chattering excitedly about Cady, Aaron, Janis, and Damian walking in through the door. She smiles seeing Cady and Aaron with their fingers interlocked and in clearly coordinating outfits, but it’s hard to control her face when she really looks at Janis, who’s dressed simply in a pair of wine-red slacks and a black and gold striped button-up with the sleeves pushed above her elbows. Ignoring the heat already building in her gut, she waves at the group and they quickly join up.

“Regina! Looking stylish as always,” Damian comments, giving her outfit an appreciative once-over. She can see Janis trying not to focus her eyes on the low neckline and it’s both flattering and exhilarating, knowing she has this effect on her.

Her dress is silvery and reflects rainbows in the gentle lighting of the lobby, a little like a disco ball – and it’s fitting for tonight because it’s New Year’s Eve, but really, she just wants to see the look in Janis’s eyes when the dress comes off. It’s held up by spaghetti-thin straps, hangs dangerously loose around her chest, and barely comes low enough to cover her ass when she bends over. Regina can see Janis taking that all in, the dark expression of want flitting over her face when she’s sure nobody but Regina will see it. Maybe it was a little foolish to wear such a skimpy dress in such cold winter weather, but they have coats put away in the coat check for the journey back home, and her black boots come up to mid-thigh. She shivers under the heavy gaze on her, and when it breaks and she can refocus on the conversations between everyone else, they’re just chatting about the holidays and how nice it is to not be in classes for a few weeks.

“We should probably go claim a table to sit at for when our feet hurt from all the _dancing_ _we’re gonna do_!” Regina chimes in as a lull appears in the conversation. They all cheer, and she and Cady lead the way into the event center, scouting an empty table along the far wall. It’s quick for them to get seated and chattering away about anything and everything, but it’s also New Year’s Eve, and they’ll be damned if they don’t get at least a little tipsy tonight.

“Okay,” she announces, commanding the attention of the table. “I’m going to be right back with some champagne for us, alright?”

“Regina, you’re still only eighteen!” Cady tries to point out the flaw in her plan, not knowing Regina’s standard moves.

“Good point, Cady, which is why I’m just going to find one of the older men who end up here, bat my little eyelashes at him, and come back with one or two of the bottles of champagne from the bar.”

Janis smirks at her as she leaves, and Regina knows the other girl is watching her ass as she walks away in search of an old man who’s just skeevy enough to buy her a couple bottles (said old man will probably also be watching her ass as she walks away, which is a far less arousing thought). It’s not too hard to pinpoint an older man in a suit too expensive for a publicly funded NYE party, standing by himself slightly away from the bar.

She makes quick conversation with him about town and the weather, before putting on her best face and requesting two bottles of champagne. He’s a little too receptive to her request, and she takes the bottles from him and walks away as quickly as she can back to her friends.

“Nicely done, Regina, you have practice at that?” Damian jokes as he swipes a bottle from her hand.

“Yeah, how else do you think I survived so many work parties with my mom when I was in high school?”

They’re all laughing soon, especially when Regina makes a little bit of a mess on the carpet opening up her bottle of champagne. She looks disappointedly at the wet spot before shrugging and deeming it the first casualty of the night.

“Oh, that reminds me of Janis and-”

“Damian!” Janis hisses. “We agreed not to speak of that again!”

Regina looks over at Janis, who’s blushing in embarrassment and attempting to hide her face in her hands, and she can’t resist. “Oh, _do tell_ , what did she do?” Everyone else quickly jumped in on it, trying to get Janis to allow Damian to tell the story.

When she finally gives in, she groans loudly and puts her forehead to the table in front of them. “Fine, just give me a drink for this.”

Damian passes her the bottle of champagne and starts in on his dramatic retelling of Janis’s Great Champagne Mishap. He’s, unsurprisingly, a great storyteller, and everybody is fully listening to him discuss the semantics of the situation they were in at the time.

It’s hard not to laugh ridiculously loud when Damian finally reaches the punchline of the story: Janis, having opened a champagne bottle with her teeth, cork entirely in her mouth and champagne spraying out into her face. Regina can picture the moment in her head perfectly, and only pieces of it are because of Damian’s way with words. She pokes Janis playfully in the side as the table erupts into bad jokes and raucous laughter once more.

They pass the bottles of champagne around the table, drinking and trading stories about dumb mishaps and silly memories. It makes Regina nostalgic for all that they could have been so much sooner and wistful for the relationship with Janis that she might have had a chance at, once upon a time. Then the champagne bottle hits her hand, and Regina takes a drink and forgets her thoughts in favor of sharing the time she accidentally dumped a full cup of fresh hot cocoa all over herself. Everyone is starting to feel tipsy and a bit flushed now, and the room has become decidedly more crowded, so what better time to drag her friends onto the dance floor?

It’s busy now, with top 40 hits blasting from the speakers and colorful beams and flashes of light illuminating the otherwise dark mass of bodies, but it’s fun to dance foolishly and a little bit drunkenly with her friends, and if she gets a little too close to Janis, nobody will take any notice. The dance floor is filled with loaded interactions and anonymity, and Regina is charged with the energy of it all. She sways her hips and bumps against Janis like that one too many times, and Janis is grabbing her wrist.

“Dance with me?”

Regina can feel her cheeks darken as she nods mutely, and lets Janis lead her in a goofy and uncoordinated dance to whatever song was playing. It’s easy to tune out the rest of the world when Janis is dancing with her, both hands grasping her waist, hips moving just a little off beat behind her in a rhythm that’s erratic and a little erotic. They’re dancing together in public, it’s decidedly not platonic looking, but neither of them seems to care too much, not when it feels so nice to just be here like this.

At some point, the rest of the gang separates from Regina and Janis, and they only notice when they pause dancing as the DJ announces that it’s half an hour to midnight. Regina pulls her head upright from where she’d been leaning it back against Janis’s shoulder, and reluctantly removes herself from the comfort of their hold on each other.

They go in search of their other friends, and find them still joking and dancing, just around their table – Gretchen holding a bottle of vanilla vodka of mysterious origin.

“Oh, there you guys are!” Cady chirped as she noticed their approach. “We didn’t know where you were when we were done dancing, so we came back here to be easier to track down.”

“Thanks,” Janis says. “Would have been hard to spot you in the crowd of the dance floor without Regina’s reflective-ass dress with you.”

Regina shoves Janis jokingly at that and gets the vodka from Gretchen. “We finished the champagne before midnight, so I guess it’s vodka shots till midnight now,” she says, taking a sip. It’s hard to hold back the grimace she wants to make at the feeling of straight vodka burning its way down her throat, but nobody’s laughing at her when she passes it on, which is nice.

They all continue to pass the bottle around, drinking and just chatting.

Fifteen minutes to midnight. Aaron and Cady are jokingly slow dancing to the upbeat song playing, and it’s sweet to watch. Gretchen and Karen are just sitting together in their own little world. Regina and Janis and Damian are standing together, watching people on the dance floor.

“I’m going to find a hot man to kiss at midnight and ditch immediately after,” Damian announces, and Janis shoves him off towards the dance floor.

Five minutes until midnight. Cady and Aaron have stopped slow dancing and come over to join Regina and Janis in conversation, hands intertwined. Gretchen and Karen are sleepily leaning on each other, and it makes Regina warm inside to see them so happy and comfortable. Damian returns with a tall, dark, and mysterious man, and they make small talk because the mystery man is _there,_ and they can’t just ignore him. He’s an intern at the local law firm. Damian thinks he’s hot.

One minute to midnight. Damian and his man are talking quietly over on the wall now, Karen and Gretchen are smiling at each other and counting along with the crowd. Cady and Aaron count softly to each other, and she’s leaning against him and so in love. Regina looks over at Janis, and they both smile softly.

Thirty seconds to midnight. The counting has become louder, and the tension that Regina shares in her gaze with Janis is growing too. She’s just an arm’s length away. One reach, two steps, one movement – it’s all Regina wants, it’s all she can focus on anymore.

Fifteen seconds. Regina takes one step. Janis takes one step. Their knuckles brush as both hands hang aimless by their sides. It would be so easy, Regina thinks. So easy to just reach out and touch Janis, to pull her in for a kiss at midnight, to be just a little too honest.

Three, two, and one seconds pass loudly around them, followed by a deafening quiet at midnight broken only by the music as all the couples come together and part once more. Regina is still just staring into Janis’s eyes. Their hands brush once more and it’s too hard to keep looking at her, so Regina breaks eye contact and retreats into her head. It would have been so easy to reveal herself, to ask for what she wants, but something was holding her back. Maybe it’s the weight of the moment, maybe it’s too much to do that right as they enter the new year, but it’s all she wanted.

The music volume is cranked back up for the raucous dancing to commence, and everyone around them is laughing and cheering loudly for the fresh start, and Regina pulls herself back into the real world. Damian shoos his man off as promised, and the group shares a laughter-filled embrace that almost brings Regina to tears (she’s too soft for her friends and how much better things have gotten in the past year and a half).

When they pull apart, she looks back at Janis, who’s still looking at her. Regina sees Janis’s eyes flit down to her chest and back up, and there’s new heat between them once again and all too easily. Two confirmatory nods later, Regina is excusing herself to the bathroom.

She waits just through the door, and sure enough, the next person to come in is Janis, who immediately presses her up against the wall and kisses her with an urgency that heats Regina up to her very core. “God, Gina, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do this all night.” Janis says darkly as they part again. Her words, accompanied with her mouth catching Regina’s again immediately, makes Regina weak in the knees.

Janis parts from her lips slowly, moving down to kiss along her jawline and to her pulse point. “Janis,” Regina whispers, and it’s half plea, half attention grab. “Janis, are we really going to do this _here_?”

At that, she pulls away from Regina, and she already misses the heat of Janis’s lips on her neck. “Where else would we do this?”

“We could always... wait until it’s time to go home?” Regina suggests lamely. Even as she says it, she knows neither of them wants to wait that long.

“Bold of you to assume I can wait that long to have you.” The weight of that statement settles over Regina and she can feel herself get wetter just at the thought of what’s about to happen. It’s still not ideal, to fuck in a public bathroom. Regina glances over at the four stalls across from her.

“What if someone comes in?”

Janis starts pulling her towards the nearest stall. “You can be quiet for me.” It’s not a question this time, and that turns Regina on even more. The latch clicks into place and they’re a little squished in the small bathroom stall, but that doesn’t matter when Janis presses Regina against the stall door and continues her ministrations on her neck and down to her collarbones. There’s still nobody in here with them, so she lets out a little whine as Janis sucks particularly nicely on her pulse point – and then pulls away from her entirely.

“You need to be quiet, baby.” Regina nods quickly, a blush coloring her cheeks, and places a hand over her mouth.

Janis leans back down and continues her work on Regina’s neck and down to her collarbones. She’s just pushed the straps of Regina’s dress down her shoulders so most of the material gathers around her waist when they hear the door open. Quicker than Regina can react, Janis has pressed her further into the door and picked her legs up to settle on her hips. Regina puts her free hand on Janis’s shoulder to steady them both. Once they’re situated, Janis goes right back to what she was doing, leaving a trail of marks down to the underside of Regina’s breasts, and it’s so teasing, to not be able to make any noise as Janis lavishes attention onto her chest.

Regina’s hand over her mouth is the only reminder for her to not make any noise, and she’s nearly forgotten about the other person in the bathroom (in favor of focusing on how Janis is making her feel so much so easily) until she hears heels clicking out and the door closing again.

She unwraps her ankles from where they had been around Janis’s back as soon as she’s able (her boots digging in couldn’t have been comfortable for Janis) and stands on her own two feet. Janis swings them around so that Regina is pressed up against the cool tile wall of the bathroom. Her dress is entirely gathered around her waist now, and Janis is playing with the lace edge of her panties as she catches Regina’s lips with her own. Janis barely plays her fingers across Regina’s hip and she’s arching into the touch, and it’s lucky Janis has her mouth there to catch the obscene little whimpers that Regina can’t stop.

They pull apart to breathe, and Janis ghosts her hand over the inside of Regina’s thigh, and her breath catches in her throat. “Janis,”

It’s a plea, it’s a promise, it’s all that matters in this moment, it’s _Janis_.

“Remember what I said, Gina,” Janis’s voice is a low whisper, soft and heavy in her ear, and she shivers under her.

“I can be-”

She meant to finish the sentence with “quiet”, but Janis presses her thumb over her clit and Regina’s voice gets caught in the back of her throat.

“Then prove it.”

Janis locks eyes with Regina one last time before sliding her panties down to her knees and pressing a single finger slowly into her, feeling Regina’s arousal slick around her. Regina slaps a hand over her mouth as she remembers her challenge to be quiet, blocking her gasp from being audible. They’re in a bathroom, this is just fast and hot and dirty, but it’s somehow still tender and these moments, no matter how quick, are charged with an energy that she can’t explain.

Regina keeps her hand over her mouth as a tangible reminder that she can’t make noise, and it’s _difficult_ when Janis has two fingers inside of her and is thumbing over her clit just lightly enough to not get her anywhere. Her head is thrown back against the wall at this point, as Janis presses into her further, and she can’t help but let out a little whine. “Janis,” escapes her lips in a needy whisper – and then she hears the soft sound of the bathroom door closing in the silence that follows.

Her eyes open wide in shock, and she can feel Janis freeze inside her, other hand pressing a single finger to her lips. _Quiet_. Regina tries to slow her breathing and quiet it down, listening to the sound of stiletto heels clicking towards the stalls. Janis pulls her up so that she’s once again sitting against the wall with her ankles locked at the small of Janis’s back. She looks down at the feet that entered the stall next to them and sees a familiar pair of shoes – ones that she distinctly remembers buying for Cady in their first week of pseudo-friendship. Pink suede heels, that Cady was currently walking in.

Cady closes the stall door slowly, carefully clicking the lock into place. Regina lets out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. Sure, they’d been on the edge of being caught before, and someone else had been in the bathroom before this, but her heart is racing because this is _Cady_. She mouths the name at Janis, who nods in understanding, then slowly presses her fingers into Regina again. A pointed glare doesn’t get her to stop, and it’s so hard to even glare sincerely when this still feels so good, still feels _right_. It’s hot and dangerous and Regina closes her eyes in pleasure, her head relaxing back against the wall. She looks down at Janis then, slowly and carefully pressing her fingers inside Regina in the way that usually makes her gasp – and she wants to gasp now, but she can’t – and the look in her eyes is indescribable, but it sets something ablaze within Regina. She has no complaints about this situation, not when her hips are bucking against the hand inside of her and Janis is pressing her thumb up to her clit.

Janis takes the opportunity that comes when the toilet flushes to momentarily increase her intensity and locks her lips over Regina’s as she does so. It’s insanely difficult to stay quiet as Janis works her closer to the edge, and Regina is insanely glad for Janis thinking to kiss her because at least now her mouth has other occupations than just reacting to Janis. She closes her eyes and revels in the moment, in _Janis_.

When Janis pulls away to press kisses up to Regina’s ear, they hear heels clicking again, but Janis is whispering “good girl” in her ear and brushing the thumb of her free hand over Regina’s bottom lip and her surroundings are entirely inconsequential.

It’s barely a breath on her lips, “Janis”, and Regina’s hardly sure she’s said it until there’s a soft and nervous knock on the stall door.

“Shit,” Janis mumbles, quickly pulling out of Regina, setting her down on her feet, and sliding her underwear back up before straightening herself out. Regina pulls her straps back up and the bottom of her dress down and runs a hand through her hair. The eye contact they make before opening the stall door is loaded.

Cady is there outside the stall, staring at them with an unreadable expression. She flits her eyes between both of them, taking in their disheveled states and Janis’s lipstick stains over Regina’s collarbone. “How long?” she asks softly.

Regina has no clue how to answer that, because they’ve been fucking for over half a year, but they haven’t started _dating_ , and she’s been a little bit too enamoured by Janis since the fifth grade. She glances over at Janis, to see if maybe she’ll answer for them, but she’s also lost in her own thoughts.

“How long have you been hiding this?” Cady doesn’t take to the silence well, and it’s clear that she feels almost betrayed by this secret.

“We – I... uh...” Janis can’t form a sentence to save her life, and it’s clear she was entirely unprepared for this eventuality. “A... a while.” She eventually admits, looking at the floor.

Cady stares at them with widened eyes, a small frown planted on her lips. Regina fiddles with the hem of her dress as she waits for anyone to break this tense silence between them. Nobody opens their mouth to say anything, and the air around her feels so incredibly still, so stiff with everything they just can’t seem to say. She drops her hands to her sides, looking over at Janis before turning her eyes back to Cady.

Before Regina can open her mouth to say anything, Janis brushes her hand over her lower back, and hurries out of the room. She and Cady stare after the closing door, rooted to the floor where they stood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's so fetch! comments and kudos are always appreciated, but never necessary ♡
> 
> i hope this made your days a little better (and a little gayer)
> 
> as always, you can find me on tumblr @bicaddyheron :)


	3. take the words for what they are (a dwindling, mercurial high)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cady and Regina stare at each other for a moment that feels like hours, reeling in the silence echoing the door closing behind Janis. 
> 
> “I should... I should explain,” Regina says softly, breaking the silence between them. “I just don’t know how.”
> 
> “I think maybe a bathroom isn’t the best place for you to spill, Regina,” Cady says softly, taking her hand. “We can go sit in the lobby? Or go home? I’d just have to let Aaron know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been so long without an update! life got ahead of me for a while and i just... wasn't able to write in the way i wanted to for all of you.
> 
> that said, hi, i'm back, happy 2021, i hope everyone is doing well

Cady and Regina stare at each other for a moment that feels like hours, reeling in the silence echoing the door closing behind Janis.

“I should... I should explain,” Regina says softly, breaking the silence between them. “I just don’t know how.”

“I think maybe a bathroom isn’t the best place for you to spill, Regina,” Cady says softly, taking her hand. “We can go sit in the lobby? Or go home? I’d just have to let Aaron know.”

She watches Regina think over the offer and battle within herself over her needs as opposed to Cady’s. “If I’m not imposing on your plans, I’d prefer talking about this at my house.”

“I wouldn’t have offered if it was an imposition,” she says. “and to be honest, I think you’ve been needing to talk about this for a while now.”

Regina nods, releasing the hem of her dress from her fidgeting fingers. “Yeah,”

It’s the whisper of a confession that she shouldn’t have to be making, something that Cady knows she’s had weighing on her chest for far longer than anyone should shoulder anything by themselves. “Let’s go find Aaron, he can drive us to your place.”

Walking from the quiet, well-lit bathroom into the loud and dark event center must have been a rough transition for Regina, especially after what was probably an ordeal for her. Cady takes her hand, and they walk along the wall until they reach the table where only Aaron is sitting.

“Hey guys,” he says, gracefully choosing not to mention anything about Regina’s appearance. “Janis just grabbed Damian and left, if you were wondering. Hope she’s okay.”

“I remember her telling me that vodka made her nauseous sometimes,” Cady bluffs, “so she might have just wanted to go and lie down.”

Aaron nods in understanding. “Are you ready to head home now, then?”

She looks over at Regina, standing mutely beside her, and goes to whisper into his ear. “She’s... going through a big thing right now, a sort of emotional crisis. Would you be able to bring both of us over to hers? I... I’m sorry to skip out on our plans, but she needs me.”

“You wouldn’t be the Cady I fell in love with if you didn’t want to help everyone out. I’m okay with that, we can make the night up some other time.” Aaron smiles up at her and it fills her with the same warmth it always has.

“Thank you so much, love, you’re the best.” Cady presses a kiss to his cheek before turning back from Regina. “We’re gonna go home now, alright? Did you have a coat in the closet?”

She nods wordlessly, and Cady waits in the middle of the lobby as Regina grabs her coat and Aaron leaves to grab the car.

He drops them both off at Regina’s house, saying nothing but a sweet goodbye after Cady kisses him and gets out of the car.

Cady is past being in awe of the sheer size of Regina’s house, but it’s oppressively quiet at this late an hour, with nobody still awake but the two of them currently trudging up to Regina’s room. Regina collapses on her bed immediately, shoes and dress still on, as Cady perches herself carefully in the window seat. “Spill. I know you need to.”

Regina sighs and begins taking off her boots as she turns to face Cady. “I... you know this wasn’t the first time. I guess I should start from the beginning?” A nod of encouragement and a deep breath later, she’s starting the story.

There are so many buried feelings and words left unsaid between Regina and Janis, and Cady can see the anguish on Regina’s face as she tells the story of a moment of softness and a night of weakness that turned into months of sex and buried feelings and too much tenderness for a simple hookup. She listens to Regina and knows, implicitly, that she had always expected to be hurt in the end – Janis gave just a little too much to her and Regina latched onto the lavishing attention and dark tones and the feeling of being buried in each other, despite assuming she couldn’t ever keep it.

She pads over to the bed once Regina goes silent, just to lay next to her and intertwine their fingers. “Regina,” Cady whispers, afraid to break the silence or step over a line. “I... what I heard from you just now, and what I heard in the, uh, bathroom? That’s not just a hookup. To either of you.”

Regina turns on her side to look at Cady, a blankly sad expression on her face. “It’s not that simple, though.”

No words can bridge the gap that Cady knows is between her and Regina right now. There are so many things she could say, so many things she _needs_ to say, but nothing works. Nothing works because Cady is there, with all the information, and no bias. It’s easy for her to make suggestions, because her heart was never on the line. Regina is the closest she’s ever been to putting her soul bare in front of somebody else, and Janis is probably too stuck on the person she used to be to see the feelings plainly written across the entirety of the girl that so often falls beneath her.

Eventually, the silence grows to be overwhelming, and Cady has to say something. “But couldn’t it be?”

“I hurt her, Cady. I hurt her so badly, and there is absolutely no way for me to make up for that. That moment is always going to be waiting in the background for me to fuck up and it’ll all come flying back in my face.”

She says that so plainly that Cady’s almost taken aback by it. The glaring proof that Regina really was a good person who had a bad run was staring her in the face. “But it already did, Regina. Junior year was a whole shitshow, and you guys are even now. If Janis ever throws that back at you – which I doubt she will, she’s a good person generally – you have a similar wrong to throw right back. Neither of you have been innocent in this whole thing, and my _god_ , you were just little kids when it all went down.”

Regina blinks at her, the _oh_ moment written across her face. There’s a growing silence between them, but it settles like a blanket as the tension in Regina’s muscles slowly dissipates and she drifts off to some semblance of sleep. Cady pulls the duvet over her and curls up once again in the window seat. She can’t bring herself to leave in the middle of the night, and it’s not like she’s looking forward to a cold walk home in the dark. She settles as comfortably as she can, a throw pillow between her head and the wall, and eventually sleep takes her too.

* * *

She wakes the next morning to bright sunlight and her phone ringing incessantly. With a groan, she fumbles around for the phone, and upon seeing Damian’s name on the screen, hits answer.

“Hi,”

“Hey Cads,” Damian says, seemingly equally as groggy. “I have... a favor to ask of you.”

“Hm?”

“Janis told me... a minimal amount of what happened last night. I think I know what’s going on, but I’m not entirely sure. Is there any chance you could come over to mine in a few hours? Janis is with me, and I think we should sort this out.”

Cady wakes up a little bit upon hearing that, and glances over at Regina, who snorts in her sleep as she shifts slightly. “Yeah, I can walk over later.”

“Thanks, Cady. You’re a lifesaver.”

“Yeah, sure.” She rolls her eyes and hears Damian breathe a chuckle. “I’ll see you later, ok?”

“Ok!”

She hangs up and is left staring at the time displayed in large numbers across her phone. It’s past noon, and she’s finally conscious enough to feel the dull ache that’s pressing at her head. Her parents haven’t texted, at least, because she had warned them ahead of time that she’d probably be at somebody’s house for the night, but they’ll expect her soon.

It’s not unreasonable to think of waking Regina before she goes, so she sits on the bed and pushes at her arm. “Regina,” she half-whispers. “It’s past noon, Regina.”

“Whatever,” the other girl groans, pulling the covers back to cover her shoulders.

“Okay,” Cady concedes. “I just wanted you to know that I’m leaving now, okay? Text me later.”

Regina makes a noise, which is hopefully one of recognition, as Cady rises from the bed and makes her way to the door. She’s fully into the hallway before she turns around. “It’s gonna be okay,” she says into the room and hopes Regina hears.

The walk back to her house isn’t horribly long, but it’s cold and windy, painting Cady’s cheeks a painful shade of red by the time she’s hanging up her coat. Her parents, still in their pajamas, are cooking something in the kitchen and greet her as she walks in.

Cady changes her clothes and cleans herself up before returning to eat with them, vaguely informing them that there’s some interpersonal drama she’s caught in the middle of and has to go deal with.

After she’s sufficiently warm and full of her parent’s New Year’s Eve cooking she missed the night before, Cady sets off to Damian’s house. It’s luckily much closer to her own house than Regina’s was, so she’s only shivering a little when she greets Damian’s mom at the door. The house smells like cinnamon and fir trees, a homey reminder of the holidays, and a cup of tea is quickly shoved into her hands after she’s taken off her coat, hat, and boots.

She thanks Ms. Hubbard profusely before meeting Damian and Janis upstairs in Damian’s room. The door is mostly closed, leaving a small crack as if to welcome her, but Cady gives a cursory knock anyways. Damian opens the door, smiling slightly, and Cady can see the exhaustion in his eyes. So he knows what’s up and is fed up with Janis. It’s not hard for her to see why, when she enters the room and Janis is flopped facedown across his bed wearing what’s presumably Damian’s shirt as a nightgown.

“Hi, guys,” she offers as she really enters the room, sitting on the beanbag that Damian waved her over to. “I think I know what’s going on, but Janis, if you could just recap _your_ version of how we ended up where we did last night, I’d appreciate it.”

Janis groans into the pillow, before turning her head in Cady’s general direction. “Didn’t Damian tell you everything?”

“I was respecting your privacy!”

“I got the gist, but I want to _know_ , if that’s okay. I’m best at problem solving when I have all the information available provided to me.” Cady says gently.

“You’re not a therapist.”

“I’m your friend who cares about you, though.”

That seems to convince Janis, at least slightly, that it’s okay to open up. She rolls over on her side and tells a story very similar to Regina. The biggest difference between the two stories that Cady can see, is that Regina is worried about rejection and the hurt she caused, and Janis is afraid of their past and going too far too fast. Neither of them wants to hurt the other, but they’re also afraid of being hurt again. It’s a delicate dance between knowing themselves and trying to protect the other that ended in dropped hands and isolation.

Janis looks at Cady after she’s done explaining why she ran out of the bathroom last night (it’s a mix of embarrassment and fear of confrontation, for the most part), but Cady stays silent. There’s not much Cady could tell Janis that she doesn’t already know that she didn’t express in her telling of her and Regina. It’s just that the knowledge she knows Janis has is implicit, unspoken, and she won’t really listen if Cady offered advice anyways.

“I think you know what’s going on here, and you know what you need to do.”

Damian shifts slightly in his chair as Janis stares incredulously at Cady. “What I need to do?”

Cady sighs. She’s going to have to say this – whether or not Janis will be happy about it is a different question. “You need to apologize to Regina for running out and actually _talk to her_. You two aren’t as divided as you think you are.”

Janis snorts at that, which is what Cady expected, but didn’t want to hear. They chat about other things for a while after that, as it’s obvious Janis wants to move on and needs to sit on her realizations. When Damian goes to get them snacks from the kitchen downstairs, Janis taps Cady on the shoulder.

“You think there’s a chance for us? For me and Regina?”

She brushes off the shock she experiences as Janis asks, and nods simply. “There’s always a chance, Janis. You just have to take it.”

Cady walks home later, thinking about how the new year was not supposed to be the year of “being a safe space for mutual friends to unload about their affair with each other”, but that’s where she was at within a week.

She didn’t expect that whatsoever when she walked into that bathroom – _she just had to pee_ – but if it was able to help Regina and Janis not be such oblivious fucks, well, she didn’t regret it.

Well, she didn’t regret it _at first_. It’s a bit harder to deal with when Regina calls her in a panic at midnight to say _I accidentally told her I loved her_ and then she gets a message from Janis reading _she said she loved me and i didn’t know what to do so i just didn’t say anything back_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, that's so fetch! kudos and comments are always appreciated, but never necessary ♡
> 
> as always, you can find me on tumblr @bicaddyheron


	4. i'll try to hide the way i feel (but i just wanna shout)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis feels relief wash over her as Cady says "there’s always a chance, you just have to take it." And it’s confusing to know that this makes her feel better – she and Regina are just... they’re friends, at the heart of it all. Sure, they have sex (and Janis is loath to admit it, but it’s better than she’s had with anyone else), but really, that’s it. They’re friends and they have sex.
> 
> Cady leaves and Damian sits with her and puts on a movie, and Janis can’t stop thinking about that wave of relief. So maybe she’s always wanted this thing with Regina to be about more than friendship and their secret moments of pleasure – she knows she wouldn’t have kept it going this long if that was all it was. The risk wouldn’t be close to worth the reward. But it is, and that terrifies her like nothing else does, because how could she and Regina ever be anything else when it’s so easy for them to hurt each other. Over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final installment! I hope you all enjoy. 
> 
> And for my fellow Americans, and those around the world who are frightened and anxious, I hope this can bring a moment of distraction or a little bit of light to your day. I love you all. Stay safe.
> 
> Chapter title is from Pancakes for Dinner by Lizzy McAlpine (a song I adore and highly recommend)

Janis feels relief wash over her as Cady says _there’s always a chance, you just have to take it_. And it’s confusing to know that this makes her feel better – she and Regina are just... they’re friends, at the heart of it all. Sure, they have sex (and Janis is loath to admit it, but it’s better than she’s had with anyone else), but really, that’s it. They’re friends and they have sex.

Cady leaves and Damian sits with her and puts on a movie, and Janis can’t stop thinking about that wave of relief. So maybe she’s always wanted this thing with Regina to be about more than friendship and their secret moments of pleasure – she knows she wouldn’t have kept it going this long if that was all it was. The risk wouldn’t be close to worth the reward. But it _is_ , and that terrifies her like nothing else does, because how could she and Regina ever be anything else when it’s so easy for them to hurt each other. Over and over again.

She’s still contemplating everything as she walks home, and her thoughts race well past midnight as Janis tries in vain to sleep. After a painful hour or so of tossing and turning, Janis sits at her desk, sketchbook open in front of her, and stops thinking for a while.

It’s easy to lose herself in the careful contemplation of lines on the page, especially when the gentle scratching of her pencil and the soft rhythm of her bouncing leg are the only sounds surrounding her. When Janis completes her mindless composition, she looks at it and finds a messy, but accurate vision of Regina looking back at her from the page. And then her phone rings.

“What’s up?” she answers immediately, wanting to silence the ringing before it woke anyone else up.

It’s Regina, inexplicably, inevitably – Regina. “I... can you come over?” Her voice is soft, apologetic, pleading, and Janis can’t deny what she knows is as close to vulnerability as Regina will ever show. So Janis agrees, combing her fingers through her hair quickly before slipping on a sweatshirt and heavy socks.

Barely ten minutes later, Regina is opening her front door quietly, bathed in the shadows of the streetlights and even in moments like these, she’s beautiful. She’s only in sleep shorts and a t-shirt, shivering in the draft of cold night air that enters her house as she opens the door for Janis, her hair is tangled and falling in natural waves, and she’s washed off her makeup to reveal a splash of freckles across the bridge of her nose – a reminder that they once knew each other outside of anything society expected of them. Janis shakes off the moment as Regina shivers again, and they both step inside.

The quiet of Regina’s large house at night weighs on Janis uncomfortably, but she knows it would be far more uncomfortable to break considering the last time they parted, and the fact that the only words Janis can think to say to the other girl are _you’re beautiful right now._ Janis lets the silence envelope them, padding softly up the staircase and into Regina’s room, settling herself in the window seat as Regina sits on her bed.

“Are we okay?” The blonde asks quietly, ripping the silence apart with the softest voice. Janis nods, watching the way shadows dance across Regina’s face in the dim, pink lighting. She almost forgets she’s supposed to respond verbally.

“We’re okay.”

Regina smiles, and Janis feels warm to her very core in this moment, of being okay, being here, basking in the glow of Regina’s grin. Quiet settles over the room once more, but it’s far less oppressive, less weighty, and Janis can find comfort in it now.

Small, subtle movements. A raised eyebrow and an outstretched hand. It’s that quiet, that simple, to fall into this bed with Regina once more.

Tonight, they’re slow and tender, with nothing to get back to after the fact. It’s warm under Regina’s adoring gaze, and as Janis takes her shirt off, she knows that these are the moments that they’ve always been missing. Maybe things got lost in the rush of it all, sneaking off, trying not to get caught. Regina moaning under her touch is something to be savored, Janis knows now, as she moves between her thighs to give the simple pleasure of being seen, being cherished, being made undone. The breath of her name on Regina’s lips is nothing short of perfect.

Something has fundamentally shifted in how they know each other, here, in the sultry, explicit heat of Janis pressing against Regina’s very center. It’s written in the perfect arch of her back, the praise Janis whispers into her neck, the gentle bruises blooming on her pale skin from ear to thigh, and her fingers reaching for Janis in return.

It’s late, and they’re both trying to catch their breath after the last fall off the edge and into ecstasy. Janis doesn’t want to leave the warmth of this room to walk home in the cold, doesn’t want to leave the warmth of Regina’s embrace in favor of being alone. The decision is made easier when she shifts slightly, and the arms around her tighten. Regina says something that sounds so much like “stay” that it’s impossible to even think about leaving anymore.

Janis wakes up for real a few minutes past noon as Regina stretches awake beside her. The sheets fall away from her body as she does so, and Janis sees in the daylight the beauty within the marks she’s left across her. The sun reflecting off the snow outside is bright enough to be blinding, but they revel in the golden light of day before pulling the curtains closed and returning so easily to loving each other.

Late afternoon is filled with walks through downtown to their favorite diner, and it’s not a date – but there was a whisper in the back of Janis’s head that it could be, and that it wouldn’t be so bad. Full of burgers, fries, and milkshakes, they walk back towards Regina’s house, letting the cold breeze paint their cheeks and noses bright pink. Very few words are exchanged between them, but it’s easier that way. It’s the comfortable silence that Janis knows would otherwise be filled with burning honesty that she’s not ready to confront within herself.

Regina is quick to pull her back into bed once they’ve warmed up a bit, and the familiarity of it all is comforting. Janis slides her cool hands up Regina’s warm sides to watch her shiver with chill and arousal. They settle into their usual rhythm, and it’s not long before Janis has her fingers pulling Regina over the edge of her orgasm with a silent scream. Then the unmistakable sound of a car pulling into the driveway.

“Shit,” Regina pants, trying to peer out of the tiny gap in her curtains. “My mom. She’s back.”

“We can just go to my house, then? My parents took off today for some ‘couple’s retreat’. House is empty.” Janis offers, wiping her face off. “Just tell your mom we’ve been studying there and came back to get something you needed.”

Regina nods, and they quickly pull clothes back on and shove random things into Regina’s backpack before going downstairs to greet and say goodbye to Ms. George.

After another cold walk, Janis makes tea and reheats some leftover soup to warm them up again. Their silence is comfortable still, even as the faucet runs and dishes clank against each other. Not talking is okay. Talking makes everything here a bit too real.

The dark outside offers a pleasant contrast to the string of lights Janis turns on above her bed as Regina follows her into the bedroom. It’s only as they both move to close the curtains that Janis notices her sketchbook from the other night is still on her desk, open to the sketch of the other girl in her room. And the only thing worse than having that vulnerability lying in the open would be drawing attention to it, so Janis doesn’t go to move or close it. She’ll just hope Regina didn’t see.

She turns back into the room, and Regina is right there, in her arms. Their lips meet softly, and it’s like this is how Janis can say everything she can’t verbalize. The slow, sweet kissing doesn’t last for long, building to a feverish haze that leads to Janis on top of Regina on her bed. Like always, they’re quick to fucking, but tonight, when Regina spills over the edge, the cry is not just Janis’ name. It doesn’t register at first, as Janis works her through it, that Regina had just said _I love you_ , but it processes quickly enough.

Heartbeat rushing frantically in her ears, Janis looks up at Regina’s face, red from both her orgasm and the words she probably hadn’t meant to say. Neither of them says anything. Janis’ mind is racing, begging her to say it back, because _it’s true, isn’t it? That you love her? Say it._ But she can’t, because she’s frozen in this singularity. Regina George loves her? She stares with wide eyes as if maybe the words would appear in glowing script to confirm that she heard correctly, but all that stares back at her is a mortified Regina, who quickly breaks eye contact to get up and pull her clothes back on. Their silence is uncomfortable again, suffocating Janis with all the words she can’t quite force out, and so she has to watch Regina rush out of her room with the first tears making their way down her cheeks.

It takes a solid half an hour for Janis to move from the position she was in as Regina left, and all she can think to do is pick up her phone and text Cady. _she said she loved me and i didn’t know what to do so i just didn’t say anything back._

* * *

Cady responds to her message within fifteen minutes. _Well, do you love her?_

The world is only Janis and her phone, staring at those four words glowing up at her within the darkness of her room. _Do you love her?_ It shouldn’t be a difficult question to answer, what with the way she can’t help but stare at Regina when she walks in a room, the heat that builds within her when they’re alone, the gentle warmth spreading across her body when Regina smiles at her. Janis stares at the words, runs them through her head, and she can’t come up with an answer that isn’t _yes_. So why is it so hard to type out and send, or to have said before Regina left?

_can i?_ is what Janis ends up sending in response, because it’s the easiest way to convey that maybe, probably, definitely she did love Regina, but it’s almost buried, blocked by the years of animosity and hurt, and it’s just easier to fuck and call it casual. Cady is having none of the bullshit, unfortunately, and simply responds _Do you_?

Her answer is honestly, unequivocally yes, but it feels illicit – not wrong, but not possible. Janis types and deletes the word about a dozen times before finally hitting send. She stares at her message bubble, three letters sitting there admitting to a truth that’s been hovering just over her shoulder for the past eight months, the truth she couldn’t look at for fear of knowing it in as many words.

Janis stares at her phone for a few more minutes, and when Cady doesn’t respond, she shuts it off and tries to sleep. Luckily, darkness overtakes her quickly tonight, and when she wakes again in the light of late morning, the only thing she remembers of her dreams is the glowing afterimage of Regina.

When she flips over her phone to check the time, she finds a few messages from Cady and a voicemail from Regina.

It’s easier to read Cady’s messages first, so she taps through to those and reads for a minute (it does nothing to quell the anxiety hovering in her sternum at the thought of what Regina said in the voicemail). Cady’s words are logical thoughts attempting to comfort the burning trepidation of Janis’ confession – and while she appreciates it, the quiet undertones that it’s okay to be with Regina don’t do much in terms of calming her mind.

One deep breath later and she’s in her voicemails. The most recent one – the only unopened one – is from Regina, and it’s over a minute long. Janis hits play and raises the phone to her ear before she can talk herself out of it, and Regina’s voice is muffled through the speaker, but she knows the tremor of anxiety, the deep breaths to quell tears, the soft intensity of the truth in it. She’s sorry if she crossed a line, it really wasn’t meant to come out then, but she can’t say she didn’t mean it without making a liar of herself. And she’s sorry for everything she’s done to make Janis feel like they can’t be honest with each other now, if Janis doesn’t feel the same it’s okay, she hopes they can be friends still because there’s a deep fondness there that transcends any disappointment about unreciprocated romantic feelings, and _please just call her back as soon as she can_.

Janis didn’t notice the beginnings of tears in her eyes until the first one fell, and maybe it should be embarrassing to be crying about this, but it really isn’t. This is the first real thing that’s ever been between her and Regina and it’s oddly comforting to know that they’ve both been lying a little bit for the entirety of their rekindled friendship. She can still feel the hot vibrations of anxiety sitting in the center of her chest, but there’s a spark of hope within it too. She calls Regina back.

The phone barely rings before Regina is picking up, breathless, on the other end. “Janis?”

“Regina,” she begins, because that’s how you greet someone over the phone, but _now what is she supposed to say?_ “I’m sorry.” Those two words are arguably the most important, so she’s glad they’re out there from the start, but she knows she can’t just stop there. _Deep breaths,_ she thinks, and tries to force the anxiety out of her lungs as well as the air. “I’m sorry I froze last night, I was just. In shock, and probably a lot of denial, and I really don’t want to ruin anything, but I might have already done that, so I guess, I guess I can’t make it any worse if I make up for my freeze and... and say I love you too.”

The silence from her phone is just long enough to make Janis question everything, and she’s opening her mouth to maybe just... take it back when Regina speaks. “Really? You mean it?”

“I don’t think I could say that and not mean it, ‘Gina.” A little more anxiety leaves her body, morphing into a light-headed giddy sort of hope. “I love you.”

“Fuck,” Regina breathes. “I didn’t think... I didn’t know if you did. And I never imagined it would feel like this if you did. _Fuck_. I love you too.”

* * *

Janis doesn’t even bother to pull on real clothes, just throws on a winter coat and boots, before she’s running to Regina’s house. The sun is peeking through the clouds in the mid-afternoon, and the remainders of the snow that morning were making their way down to the ground. It seems Regina had the same idea as her, because they almost run straight into each other on the sidewalk.

“Regina,” Janis breathes, catching herself on the slickness of the snow. She watches a particularly large snowflake settle on Regina’s hair.

“Janis,” Regina responds, similarly out of breath. She steadies herself with a hand on Janis’s shoulder, and there’s nothing in between them anymore. Nothing is stopping them or holding them back. It started with a hand on her shoulder.

Janis yanks Regina into a hug that ends up throwing both of them to the ground. And yeah, her back aches a little from where she landed with Regina’s weight on top of her but seeing the girl she loved look down at her, red-cheeked and laughing wildly, with the snow falling around them was an incomparable feeling. Then Regina leans down and presses her into a kiss – which might be slightly too deep for laying on a public sidewalk – and everything, all of her doubt, melts away.

They’re both breathless and shivering a bit as they pick themselves up, but Janis can’t bring herself to care, because this moment is _the moment_ , and she knows she could chase this feeling for the rest of her life and not find it anywhere except with Regina. And that _should_ terrify her, (that weird premonition that this feeling should last forever, and if it doesn’t, she could chase it forever and not find it again), but instead she finds comfort in it. That’s further confirmed as she looks over at Regina and finds the widest smile and the most adoring look in her bright blue eyes.

“I love you,” Janis whispers, brushing a snowflake from Regina’s eyelashes.

“I love you.” Regina murmurs back. It’s not a mistake anymore. There’s no doubt. This is love. They found it. And Janis knows neither of them will let it go without a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Comments and kudos are always appreciated, but never necessary ♡
> 
> as always, i can be found on tumblr @bicaddyheron
> 
> love you all

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, that's so fetch! Comments and Kudos are always appreciated, but never necessary ♡
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @bicaddyheron for updates and memes and my ask box is always open for questions or requests :)


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